Soft Skills lesson 4 : Listening skills

Soft Skills lesson 4  : Listening skills


Embarrasing situations and myself run parallel to each other in life. My indiscretions have become so grave and frequent that that I want to forget the incident the moment it happens. Probably, I am too mortified to accept the kind of awkwardness I have put myself into and sometimes others aswell.


As they say,"Commit mistakes, but do not repeat them. Make new ones."

So, I have now resolved to look into my embarassing encounters and learn some perennial lessons from them.Trust me, it is like living your own clumsiness all over again, going through the 'What a fool I am' phase afresh, accompanied by an apologetic smile, flushed cheeks, something churning in tummy, and a deep desire to erase the incident from either memory or life..

Well, after extracting enough courage from inside myself, I am reflecting on my recent faux pas and trying to learn a lesson from it too. I was at my husband's colleague's place, who had thrown a farewell party for us as we leave London for good. There were other colleagues and their families aswell. Now, we have all known each other for over a couple of years and share a good rapport.. Me and a colleague's wife were sitting across each other on the dinner table and a third lady was standing closely overlooking us from the open kitchen plan. This lady from across the table, passed a polythin bag to me saying " This is your hubby's jacket ( which he had left at our place last month). Without listening to the bracketed words, I chose to say "What is the need for this? I am not taking any souvenirs. We'll be in touch then why the formality. She restated  sheepishly" No No  it's your hubby's he left it at our place".To save both of us from the awkwardness, I asked " O really, when did he leave it". The damage, anyways, had already been done.

I had not only thrown an egg on my own face but made her uncomfortable too by making her feel that I was expecting a farewell gift.

Never before have I felt the need to be a good listener than the way I felt today. Had I let finish her sentence and then responded, I would have saved myself this piece of writing at 2 in the night.

Some research has pointed out that our listening skills have become so poor that even before people finish what they have to say,we are framing answers in our minds.

It is also pertinent to note that listening  is not the same as hearing.  Hearing refers to the sounds that you hear, whereas listening requires more than that: it requires focus.  Listening means paying attention not only to the story, but how it is told, the use of language and voice, and how the other person uses his or her body.  In other words, it means being aware of both verbal and non-verbal messages.  Your ability to listen effectively depends on the degree to which you perceive and understand these messages. Lesson well learnt !!!

Soft skills lesson 3

I am generally a good host and treat people very nicely whoever comes to my house. In our culture, we are taught 'atithi devo bhava', meaning 'Guest is next to God'. What we learn at young age are probably very strong impressions that remain with us throughout life. This makes me feel that all that I ever learnt in life was in the first fifteen years. Gosh,What went wrong after that!!! A lot I guess..College, adolescence, an abysmal interest in boys...But more on that later. Let me not digress. 

As I am gliding on a self adulatory trip about my hostess skills, I must confess one such occasion where I did not do much justice to the situation. The guest in this case was my landlord, an elderly british gentleman, who's purpose of visit was to help me equip myself with the workings of the new washing machine, which he had just bought for us. I hate technical manuals and he had been kind enough to offer help. Moreover, he always says that it's my house so I better understand the workings of things. Very responsible thought indeed.

Now, I had had a bad day so far with a sleepless previous night (baby chose to wake up every hour), cranky behaviour in the day and no time for doing the basic of chores read bathing, eating etc. The first six months or more, of the new arrival's existence had been more or less like this only. The incredible optimist that I have always been (things are changing now),I tell myself every night "This too shall pass".(Moral from a fable where the king wears a ring which has such magical powers that if a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy. It has these golden words inscribed on it ).

 Anyways, the landlord arrives in time for our discerning session on the recent acquisition. After exchanging pleasantries, he got down to work. I kept a few clothes in the machine so that while going through the manual, we could simultaneously test the effectiveness of the appliance. His love for such widgets and curiosity to learn new things in infectious. Not on this occasion though., considering the kind of day I had had. He passed me my copy of the manual and started going through the pages one after the other. From, safety instructions to understanding different parts and their functions and ofcourse cross checking the presence of those parts in the machine, from programme selecting options to drying options, from drying with normal settings to drying with customised settings, from activating childproof lock to what not (from this point onwards, I had lost interest and hated myself for calling him and not doing it myself ),we went through the length and breadth of the manual. I always wondered who would care to read such tomes. Now I know, who would. Finally, he decided to practically test this contraption through trial and error method. Every cycle that he wanted to test would obviously take a minimum read long and boring 25 minutes.

In between the second cycle  I believe, I began shifting my weight from one foot to the other(non verbal communication is always stronger than words, I had learnt this in one kinesics class but I guess forgot it here). I fidgeted with the television remote (showing my interest has moved to other things ), switched off one light accidentally. Now trust me I was not doing any of these things intentionally. Probably my actions were stating my state of mind.

As he observed all this, he couldn't refrain from pointing out "Are you getting impatient, that it's taking so long". I smiled apologetically and emphatically counterclaimed a NO. Am sure he was not convinced as my body language was showing otherwise. He finally said, "You are an sensible lady and such behaviour is not expected out of you". I froze. Since the time school finished, no one had ever chided me like that except for my mum who of course was a perpetual critic. I was short of words. My first thought was anger at his upfront behaviour. My second thought was that I was in the wrong accompanied by feelings of guilt.  My final thought was a lesson of a lifetime. No matter how bad your situation is (In my mind I have underlined and emboldened this statement No matter how bad your situation), you have to treat people well. 

As Regina Brett writes in her book, 'God never blinks',"No matter, how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. I would add to this. Get up, dress up and show up but do show up well !!!

Soft skills lesson 1

In today's ICE Age i.e. Information ,Communication and Entertainment Age, where knowledge and wisdom are readily available, it has become increasingly pertinent to equip oneself with soft skills or simply stating interpersonal skills which have become much more important than any hard skills(ability to perform tasks and activities) that one may have.

Soft Skills are behavioural competencies and include proficiencies such as communication skills, conflict resolution and negotiation, personal effectiveness, creative problem solving, strategic thinking, team building, influencing skills, selling skills etc.

A lot has already been spoken about soft skills, do's and dont's, but I am writing on this subject based upon personal experiences with people. Experience is a funny thing. It is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted and is often the most valuable thing one has to offer. I am writing this based upon  few of my best experiences on the usage of savoir-faire or the lack of it by either myself or by people around me.

Soft skills Lesson 1.

Brevity : the soul of wit

When Shakespeare wrote this meaningful line in The Hamlet, it seems, he conveniently ignored people's love for talking. On top of it if he were to observe the world today and witness people's penchant for saying something again and again(probably believing that it would create a better impact), he must ceaselessly churn in his grave.

Cut  to Northwick Park Hospital

Anxiety prevailed our faces, me and hubby dearest were pushing our buggy into the main reception of the hospital. An earnest call from a senior doctor requiring urgent blood tests for the little one had hassled us. He was not happy with the sample taken earlier as it showed lower blood caplets. There were two possibilities. One, the blood caplet count was actually low. Two, insufficient sample taken for the previous tests, which sometimes provides erroneous reports. The doctor was positive that it would be the second reason. We dreaded the first.

The entrance to the paediatric ward was adjacent to a glass window, inside which a team of receptionists was seated. They were approached by all the people coming in. Since we didn't have anything to do with the general ward and the door to paediatrics was open ,we walked through. (Probably, in situations like these, it is best to ask).

As we marched ahead, a young lady, apparently, one of the receptionists, came running behind us and shall I say, started enquiring, in a very loud manner about the purpose of our visit. Hubby explained the reason for our tarriance. She calmed a bit. Then as if had an afterthought and decided to yammer "You cannot enter the premises without informing one of our teams." We realised our mistake and duly apologised. She asked us to follow her to the reception so that she could do the entry. We did. While walking back, she muttered " You shouldn't have gone in without permission." I apologised again.

We reached her desk. As she was settling in her chair, she probably decided to whine a bit more. "No one enters here without permission." She took the child's details and remarked, "It is wrong to enter without letting us know." Her constant attempts to make us feel remorseful were getting on our nerves. She asked our postal address and repeated, "Whenever you come to the hospital, you first come to this desk"

Hubby (an otherwise calm and composed gentleman) had had enough of it . He rejoined, "Madam, with due respect, your point is taken and we have given our sincere apologies. Now, will you stop harping on the same fact and allow us to take the baby to the doctor. Not to be outdone, she responded "No need to take offence. I am just explaining you the rules." Knowingly or unknowingly she explained the 'Rules' a bit too many times undermining the weight of her own words.

This reminds me of childhood days when our mum would keep saying that kids don't listen and one look from dad was enough for us to toe the line. Even in spirituality, they say, the fewer words, the better prayer. Probably, God also agrees with Shakespeare  !!!

Soft Skills Lesson 2

Frantically pushing my baby's stroller, I walked as fast as my (not so) tiny frame would allow. Desperation unleashed all over my otherwise radiant countenance. The urgency was that I had to rush for a prebooked appointment with my GP for an ear infection. With last minute nappy changes and refusals for sitting in buggy, my little one is making me a pro at being late for almost every appointment. In such frenzied moments, the brain generally stops its usual tete-a-tete and one is more or less blank. In this vacuous state, I observed an octogenarian couple walking right in front of me. In ordinary circumstances, my absent minded soul would have conveniently ignored their presence. But they chose to park themselves right in front of me and saunter at a snail's pace. For someone who enjoys the British summer, it was quite nice and sunny with slightly cool breeze, brewing a perfect weather to laze around. Ahhh no time for such simple pleasures for me. I could only think of a missed appointment which would lead to my name being removed from my local GP 's list. The rule says that  if you miss your appointments thrice, your name would be removed from the list and you have to reregister, which of course is a tedious process. With the baby keeping my hands full I have no time for that and you guessed it right I have already missed my appointments twice. The couple's mood appeared to be in stark contrast with my state of mind. They wanted to sway with the breeze and soak in the daylight as if there's no tomorrow. (Well, actually that's the way to live life fully). The lady stopped midway to admire some flowers in a private garden. The gentleman followed suit. They were absolutely thrilled and delighted to see the beauty and grandeur of  those flowers like a little child, who eats candy for the first time. Their intention was not to pluck and own those flowers. Infact, they were just breathing in the fragrance and appreciating the bountiful nature. Their coos of appreciation were so animated that I couldn't help but smile.

My Lesson for life learnt : If you are happy and joyous yourself, you can spread this happiness and joy wherever you go. Like a blossomed flower, you can warm the cockles of many a heart. And if you are happy within, being courteous and gentle becomes your second nature.